Last Sunday I posted my ROW goals for the week, because I wanted to accomplish a lot before my schedule got worse. I thought that I would need to take up a fourth job to make ends meet for my family, because of our current financial situation. However thinking about that along with other things going on in my life (lies that I've heard from some family members and the stress of being back from a deployment) took me into one of the worst depressive episodes I've ever had. I felt the icy fingers of addiction reach into my chest and rip my heart out, and for a brief moment I was deliciously numb as I spent way too much time last week playing video games and isolating myself from my family, from myself, and from my writing. It literally destroyed an entire week of progress for me in my fiction.
So as I am coming back from Never-Ever land to focus on what I think is most important I thought, I'd share with you a little bit about the issues a person can deal with in depression and why exactly it is real.
When I was there I often indulged in my addiction to games and just zoned out because I had to deal with the pain somehow and there wasn't a lot of other options. I don't smoke, and I don't drink, and I really didn't want to start up any other addictions so I just did a lot of writing and played my games frequently.But when I got home was when the emotions came full force. I went from being an Honors Student who loved being in class to sleeping through all my classes everyday. I could go to work, because for some reason when I'm helping someone else I can forget all my pain for that brief moment (which explains why I always look for work where I serve others), but school just was too much. There were days I could barely crawl out of bed because I was so sad. I went to a therapist who said I was okay because I was still going to work. They told my wife that I was being responsible because I took care of my obligations. But I didn't, I didn't give her love, I couldn't care about myself, and worst of all I hated almost everyone I had gone overseas with. And anyone who knows me knows hate is not a natural emotion to me.
It is the fact that I wasn't willing to deal with the emotions and either slept or played videogames that was sinking me. I didn't have the coping skills to deal with such volume of painful emotions. Depression is a disease. It forces a person who is dealing with horrible things to deal with them in unhealthy ways. I know some folks who eat when depressed, others who cut themselves, and some who sleep it all away. When we don't know how to deal with the things the world has given us sometimes we crawl into a hole and hope everybody goes away because we don't know how to deal with their company and our pain.
I've met people in my life who have said that they don't believe in depression. And there was a time in my life that I didn't understand it very well myself, and I wouldn't have been able to truly deal with my wife's depression very well. But that was all before I had visited its depths myself. I just want to say that it is a real illness. And for some it goes beyond that because they are missing chemicals to balance their bodies properly. For them it is more than a coping mechanism, it is a struggle to find real joy in life. They have to fight against this disease to even find their emotions in the first place. And I don't envy them in that fight, because I know from my own experiences that it is a very difficult fight to deal with.The only reason I'm coming out of it at the moment is because I heard something in group therapy that really helped me this past week: "Lean into the pain." By leaning into the pain it causes me to actually recognize that I'm in pain, it causes me to seek out some help from my family, and it causes me to look into the depths of the emotional hole that lies inside of me. I can't say by any means that I'm whole yet, but I know that as I take more time "leaning into the pain" I'll be better able to deal with the things that life has put before me.
I no longer hate the people I was with back then, but I realize that that period of my life was probably the most pain I've ever been in. And because I didn't learn earlier appropriate ways to deal with that volume of pain I chose addiction and depression over connection and family. But I'm learning that now, and that's one of the reasons I do ROW80, because I want to replace my addictions with my writing and make it the lifeblood of my life. It isn't an easy process, but it is entirely worth it. Because one day I might not be broken anymore, but through all this I'll be whole.I don't plan on posting goals with this. I'll wait till Wednesday to do that. I got a lot of work to get done though and I'm not going to be wasting any time. Too much reading, writing, and living to do to allow the pain of my life to tear me apart. But if you don't see me for a minute, know I'm off fighting for my life, my family, and my writing and that is the most important fight of my life. As always, I'm Jayrod Garrett the First OG.
My question for you today is: What gets in the way of your goals?
The people who "don't believe" in depression are so very blessed. But the thing about science is that it's true even if you don't believe in it.
ReplyDeleteI have lived with dysthymic depression since 1995 and boy I have heard it all from "just snap out of it" "change your diet" to "don't you have pills for that?" It's like telling a deaf person to try harder to hear.
Something I wanted to mention, though it could be a blog itself is the LDS community and their attitudes about depression/mental illness. Some people in the LDS community equate depression with sin, as in "if you feel bad than you must be living bad." Being LDS does not give us a 'get out of jail free' card for physical and mental disease. Many good, kind, Christ-like people suffer with mental illness, and only by admitting to our struggles can we change the stigma.
There's a book that talks about this called Valley of Sorrow by Alexander B. Morrison.
Jenny, have you ever tried Wellbutrin? I have an inherited dopamine deficiency which was diagnosed as a dysthymic depression. Wellbutrin is the only med on the market that works on dopamine. It also increases norepinepherine to help with motivation, which has given me plenty of trouble. Hope some of this helps, depression sucks, especially when it's long-term!
DeleteThanks for your comment. Yes, I have tried Wellbutrin, and Wellbutrin SR, and a combination of Wellbutrin and Abilify. You name it, I've tried it! Don't do drugs kids.
DeleteBeing married to Jenny has definitely increased my awareness of the depression medication. I'm also pretty certain watching her challenges has only reinforced my feelings about never taking depression meds. However that original story is one for another post.
DeleteJayrod, I used to self-medicate with video games as well so I know the frustration of losing time and losing sight of your family/friends.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about your goals.. that's why they're written on paper and not stone, so you can adjust them as need be. Take care of yourself first and come back when ready.. your goals will still be here, and when you're ready to focus on them again you'll find you haven't lost much, if any, ground. Good luck and Heavenly Father's Blessings.
Kevin, I really appreciate your candor. Thank you for the vote of support. Thankfully this week I'm making some of the progress I missed last week.
DeleteYou have coped valiantly from my point of view. The hardest thing about depression is serving and thinking of others when you are in so much pain. ALL people have varying physical and emotional strenghths and weaknesses, regarding everything from fallen arches to atheroscrelosis to depression. Certain external influences can aggravate any of these weaknesses. A car we once had had a strong clutch spring. It caused a bursitis flareup in my dad's knee. I believe that of all mortals, those with severe depression come closest to feeling a glint the anguish of the Savior in Gethsemane. A mild case of depression, like a mild case of the flu, can sap a persons energy and effectiveness. A severe case can leave a person bedridden and non-functional. Finally, those who somehow summon the personal strength to function despite these afflictions should be treated with even greater respect for doing so.
ReplyDeleteI love that thought, Dad. I never realized that depression might be another testimony to the life and sacrifice of the Savior. It lends a certain beauty to it that it would lack otherwise I think. I think the part about summoning the personal strength to function is one of the reasons I love my wife so much. She is a real fighter and never gives in to the depression, she fights it as much as she can. I love that about her.
DeleteDepression really really sucks. For the person in it, for the people around them, for everyone.
ReplyDeleteI've been through several bouts of depression. As has my husband, though I don't even think he realizes it.
Just the immense feeling of helplessness that goes hand in hand for both sides, is brutal.
You are not alone. reach out to the people around you. :)
Thanks. I have had to reach out this week, and it did me more good than sitting and playing video games did. I still crave the games though. But it will all be alright. Thanks for your comments.
DeleteThe distraction of the game is a powerful one. It is a drug, it's a rush becuase of the novelty and the instant rewards real life does not give.
DeleteI meditate, I set small goals, I feed my vidoe game needs with exercising type ones on the Wii. Exercise takes care of 80% of my depression issues. Thankfully.
I have had depression since I was nine. Abuse as a child and various struggles trying to reach adulthood warped the way I think about life. Therapy and medicine are expensive and no one seems to understand that they don't take IOU's at the doctor's office. I understand what you are going through. I haven't written anything worthwhile since February. Unfortunately, writing is what used to keep me functional.
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks to read this. I'm so sorry, I wish there was something I could do to help. I hope that you are able to break the cycle long enough to write something so you can return to your previous state of function.
Deleteyou're doing okay there - I think it's because we use the word 'depression' for both things - the 'oh I feela bit mis.today' and the real depression. So people think we talk of the first when we are struggling through the sticky hell of the other. I am lucky in my periodic falls into what I call potholes (my code to my friends) I have strong sympathetic patient support from friends who seem to understand. A doctor who will listen.
ReplyDeleteI had never thought, before, of the effect of caring for the enemy would be like.I can appreciate now you have explained how terrible it would be, esp.as you know they want to kill you.
This place is great for flexabilty - goals here are aims if you like there is no concret involved - most of us struggle at some time or other, maybe not from depression but life can be hard in other ways, creativity in itself is emotionaly sapping. We are all here for all of us.
Thanks Alberta. Your kindness is really helpful here. I am very lucky to have episodic depression rather than the clinical awfulness my wife deals with. We call them Slow or Koala Days for both of us. Creativity is emotionally sapping, I think that is why I need the interaction of other people around to be able to write. Thank you again, for your kind words.
DeleteDear Jayrod,
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written post. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing with us. It's a very positive thing that you are aware of your escape patterns and not only that, you press forward to embrace your responsibilities instead of giving up. It's a true mark of humble strong man. I love the pictures of the brain and also the lesson to lean into pain. That's hard stuff. At the moment, I am trying to embrace my weaknesses as part of my design. That's tough stuff too, but I think there is freedom to live on the other side.
PS Thanks for sacrificing your self and your family to fight for our country. I know it leaves you in a hard place. Your sacrifice has not gone unnoticed.
There is freedom to living on the other side. You are so right. But it is a tunnel out of the darkness to find the light. And the hard part is that the darkness has claws and it will drag us back kicking and screaming. So we have to work hard to get out as often as possible as long as possible to be able to absorb as much light as we can so we can fight back against the darkness. (I just got my next short story idea, though this. Double thanks to you!)
DeleteDear Jayrod,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear you've suffered so much pain. I have had depression and I had a nervous breakdown when I was seventeen that put me into a hospital for a while so I do have some idea of what you're going through. It is very brave of you to post about your illness and I respect you tremendously for doing it. What I feel I must say is don't be afraid to reach out to others and ask for help. I know its more difficult for men but don't be afraid to tell other people how you feel either. I like the 'lean into the pain' advice. I wish you well; now and for the future.
Thank you, Janet. I posted this mostly because I want to be honest with the folks in the blogosphere about who I am and what I want to be. So when I see myself failing at keeping my goals as bad as last week, you deserve to know why. I never expected such an outpouring of love in return. I'm more grateful than I could have imagined, because everyone has been so kind. :D
DeleteThank you for sharing so honestly about your depression. I've been dealing with chronic depression and PTSD for... too long now. I'm finally getting help and going to counseling, which is tearing open all the old wounds and leaving me a mess for now! I know it'll be good in the long run though, and that I have to face the pain to get through to the other side.
ReplyDeleteIt is okay to be a mess today so that you can be whole tomorrow. It isn't worth it for us to go through the pain for years on end if we can just immerse ourselves in the worst of it and learn how to deal with it better and come out much better people. Glad to hear you are doing so well. Keep up the good fight!
DeleteThe place you describe and the way you handle it with the sleeping and the games reminds me so much of my husband. He still slips into episodes like that now and then - he could learn from your "lean into it" concept. His issue was not one of war, but of the terrible loss of almost all of his family one right after another. But when pain gets in that deep, it is hard to break free, and it is rare to find people who haven't been there that can truly understand. I lived through all of it with him at the time, and even I sometimes struggle with the apparent apathy and withdrawal. I wish you as much peace as you can find.
ReplyDeleteLynnette, I can't tell you how many of my friends I think are addicted to video games in one way or another. Because many of them are LDS they need some means of escape that isn't immoral, so video games usually take that spot. But they ignore their wives, children, and others frequently. I understand how hard it can be to break free, and I know some of us never do. Just do your best to stick by him and remind him that he is so much more than his pain, and you love him no matter what. My wife reminding me of that has helped me more than once through the years.
DeleteThank you for sharing this Jayrod. I do believe in the old saying that "admitting the problem is halfway to fixing it". Certainly being aware of just why you feel so down is part of wading through it. It sounds as though you are overwhelmed, and I do hope you and your family can work through it swiftly. This post was a beautiful read. Thank you, again, for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI was nervous about sharing this Deb, but the outpouring of love has made be feel much safer in sharing myself in a more complete way on my blog. Thank you for your kind words and I hope that this post helped you in some way. Thanks.
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