Faces of Manipulation: Addiction – The acceptable plague

I remember back in 2009 when we called the Swine Flu h1n1 a pandemic in the United States.  It was a horrible state of affairs, I knew of professors at my university who died, I had friends who came down with it, and the atmosphere of my employment and school completely changed.  We suddenly cared about people being sick and getting them the care they needed because this virus was so dangerous.  In the end according to the CDC from April 2009 to April 2010 according to mid-range estimations 61 million people caught the virus, 274,000 people were hospitalized because of the virus, and 12,740 people died from the virus.  When you consider US NEWS estimates of the population were around 305 million people living in the United States it becomes clear why people were worried,  that's some pretty scary numbers.  But everyone takes a collective sigh of relief that we lost no more than 18,300 people to it.  That's less than a small city.  It wasn't that bad.  I was one of those who thought that way, until I realized that one out of every five people contracted the virus.  It got me thinking about the pandemics which have been taking lives for centuries and effecting even more people world wide than H1N1 even began to touch in a single year.  The pandemic, or rather plague, I'm talking about is addiction.

Now I like to think about addiction in much wider terms than just alcohol and drugs, because this pandemic has arms that are much longer and more dangerous than that.  An addiction is a pathological relationship with any mood-altering experience that has life-threatening consequences.  So what kinds of things can be considers mood altering experiences?  Alcohol, drugs (illegal and prescription), co-dependency, video games, and sex are only a few kinds of addiction.  Each one gives to the addict a different emotional experience that strengthens a relationship with the addiction and weakens the relationship they have with themselves.  And therein is the danger of addiction, because the addict loses themselves within their addiction which makes the addict capable of things that in a healthy state of mind they would never do.

Now you may ask why someone would seek out some experience or substance to make themselves feel better.  John Bradshaw describes addiction as "an outer reach for an inner security."  In other words addiction is an exterior symptom of a inward condition.  So when you see the alcoholic with their vodka, or the drug addict with their lines, there is a hole in their life that they are trying to fill with the drinking or cocaine.  The hole in my life is self acceptance.  My mind was broken during my childhood and I struggle with being able to see myself as a good person.

I've tried to fill that hole with being uber religious.  I've tried to fill that hole with numbing myself with video games.  I've tried to fill that hole through being co-dependent with others.  And each drug has only stripped me further of the acceptance I needed for myself.  God's acceptance never penetrated my resentment.  When I numbed my resentment I couldn't give of myself sincerely.  And I when I returned to helping others I overextended myself and grew more resentful.  Which sent me back to God asking for him to expel the anger and resentment from my heart.  But none of these things helped.

And I didn't get how they related to me, until in my group therapy they showed us this diagram.  Those places I tried to fill the hole with were unhealthy roles that removed me from who I really was.  As the uber religious person (Persecutor) I tried to force myself to God.  When I felt I was worthless (Victim) I played video games to make myself numb to my own pain.  And as when I went out to help people (Rescuer) I over extended myself frequently and found myself resenting the situation, the people, or myself.  And because I refused to directly channel that angry energy towards anyone I would just continue the cycle.  Does that sound healthy?

Every addict deals with these same roles in a different way.  Yet how many really have the education as how to deal with the addiction in such a way that they can begin to reclaim their identity?  Let's count.  According to the COA seventy six million Americans have been exposed to Alcoholism in their family.  Almost one in five adult Americans (18%) lived with an alcoholic while growing up.  And roughly one in eight American adult drinkers is an alcoholic or experiences problems due to the use of alcohol.  Worst of all is the cost to society which is in excess of $166 billion per year.  Shouldn't that mean the AA groups and Al-anon should be overflowing with people wanting help?  Or that perhaps our government should address this addiction problem more directly?  The scary part to me is that's just the alcoholics.  I haven't even addressed the co-dependents like myself, the drug addicts, the sex addicts, or the myriad of different addicts out there.  I would wager that every home in America has been affected by the actions of addicts in one way or another.  And we called h1n1 a pandemic?

It is up to each of us to take the time to learn about this plague and do what we can to establish having healthy identities of our own, and to teach our children to have healthy identities of their own.  There are groups like Alcoholics Anonymous for some.  Others need groups like LifeStar.  Rehab is a solution for some, but that's expensive and they don't always help you find your real identity.  They just keep you clean long enough that you think you're healed.  And the truth of it is, addiction is a life-long disease.  You can manage it, but you'll never be cured.

My wife is with me on my journey of healing right now.  Because she has been harmed by my self harm.  She has learned things that she has to unlearn to be able to be whole for herself.  Addicts never harm only themselves, they always leave victims in their wake.  Whether the victim is the child ignored for the addict's isolation, the spouse the addict beat to control, or the woman in the casket the addict hit when they drove drunk.  And we as a society must learn enough to help addicts seek the help they need without hating them for their weakness.  Because hatred will not heal our homes or the addicts either.

I'm an addict in recovery.  You might wonder what that means.  It means I work daily towards seeing myself in healthy vision.  I find seek out healthy ways to cope with my pain.  And I recognize that I will always be an addict.  But it doesn't define who I am.  My boundaries, my hobbies, and how I help others do define me.  The lion in my mirror can either be the shame and repulsion of self that eats at me because I'm not living up to who I can be, or he can be my potential and the image I work towards being with each day.  I choose potential.

I am Jayrod Garrett, the First OG, and it is my sincere hope that we as a nation can start to address these real problems in our society.  Addiction is only one of many.  Not only a face of manipulation, but a mirror of the society that we are embracing.  What other problems do you see in the mirror?

Early War Post: April 21st- "Lean into the Pain"

Last Sunday I posted my ROW goals for the week, because I wanted to accomplish a lot before my schedule got worse.  I thought that I would need to take up a fourth job to make ends meet for my family, because of our current financial situation.  However thinking about that along with other things going on in my life (lies that I've heard from some family members and the stress of being back from a deployment) took me into one of the worst depressive episodes I've ever had.  I felt the icy fingers of addiction reach into my chest and rip my heart out, and for a brief moment I was deliciously numb as I spent way too much time last week playing video games and isolating myself from my family, from myself, and from my writing.  It literally destroyed an entire week of progress for me in my fiction.

So as I am coming back from Never-Ever land to focus on what I think is most important I thought, I'd share with you a little bit about the issues a person can deal with in depression and why exactly it is real.

My first deployment overseas didn't have me doing what people think of soldiers typically doing.  I'm sure everyone has seen folks who go over and they are breaking down doors, taking down bad guys, and generally kicking butt and taking names.  For me I wasn't on that mission.  I wasn't on a mission to seek out and destroy the enemy.  Instead I served the enemy.  I worked as a guard at a Detainee Camp.  This means those folks the other guys found and brought in, we took care of until their trial dates.  We made sure they didn't hurt each other (which we failed at), we made sure they had food, and we tried to make them as comfortable as possible while we watched them day in and day out.  It might not sound so bad until you realize that if you are trained to seek out and destroy the enemy serving the enemy (who indeed would slit your throat in a heartbeat) does some messed up things to you psychologically.  Most people left this specific duty with terrible cases of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD and it took us a long time to get over it.  I almost lost my marriage as a result of the issues I came home from that deployment with.  And I'm still feel broken even now.  Just I've had a little help to put most of the pieces back in the right place since that time.

When I was there I often indulged in my addiction to games and just zoned out because I had to deal with the pain somehow and there wasn't a lot of other options.  I don't smoke, and I don't drink, and I really didn't want to start up any other addictions so I just did a lot of writing and played my games frequently.

But when I got home was when the emotions came full force.  I went from being an Honors Student who loved being in class to sleeping through all my classes everyday.  I could go to work, because for some reason when I'm helping someone else I can forget all my pain for that brief moment (which explains why I always look for work where I serve others), but school just was too much.  There were days I could barely crawl out of bed because I was so sad.  I went to a therapist who said I was okay because I was still going to work.  They told my wife that I was being responsible because I took care of my obligations.  But I didn't, I didn't give her love, I couldn't care about myself, and worst of all I hated almost everyone I had gone overseas with.  And anyone who knows me knows hate is not a natural emotion to me.

It is the fact that I wasn't willing to deal with the emotions and either slept or played videogames that was sinking me.  I didn't have the coping skills to deal with such volume of painful emotions.  Depression is a disease.  It forces a person who is dealing with horrible things to deal with them in unhealthy ways.  I know some folks who eat when depressed, others who cut themselves, and some who sleep it all away.  When we don't know how to deal with the things the world has given us sometimes we crawl into a hole and hope everybody goes away because we don't know how to deal with their company and our pain.

I've met people in my life who have said that they don't believe in depression.  And there was a time in my life that I didn't understand it very well myself, and I wouldn't have been able to truly deal with my wife's depression very well.  But that was all before I had visited its depths myself.  I just want to say that it is a real illness.  And for some it goes beyond that because they are missing chemicals to balance their bodies properly.  For them it is more than a coping mechanism, it is a struggle to find real joy in life.  They have to fight against this disease to even find their emotions in the first place.  And I don't envy them in that fight, because I know from my own experiences that it is a very difficult fight to deal with.

The only reason I'm coming out of it at the moment is because I heard something in group therapy that really helped me this past week: "Lean into the pain."  By leaning into the pain it causes me to actually recognize that I'm in pain, it causes me to seek out some help from my family, and it causes me to look into the depths of the emotional hole that lies inside of me.  I can't say by any means that I'm whole yet, but I know that as I take more time "leaning into the pain" I'll be better able to deal with the things that life has put before me.

I no longer hate the people I was with back then, but I realize that that period of my life was probably the most pain I've ever been in.  And because I didn't learn earlier appropriate ways to deal with that volume of pain I chose addiction and depression over connection and family.  But I'm learning that now, and that's one of the reasons I do ROW80, because I want to replace my addictions with my writing and make it the lifeblood of my life.  It isn't an easy process, but it is entirely worth it.  Because one day I might not be broken anymore, but through all this I'll be whole.

I don't plan on posting goals with this.  I'll wait till Wednesday to do that.  I got a lot of work to get done though and I'm not going to be wasting any time.  Too much reading, writing, and living to do to allow the pain of my life to tear me apart.  But if you don't see me for a minute, know I'm off fighting for my life, my family, and my writing and that is the most important fight of my life.  As always, I'm Jayrod Garrett the First OG.

My question for you today is: What gets in the way of your goals?