War Post: 26 Feb, 2012 & Fight of Gratitude

The sea breeze in your hair, smell of salt in the air, and the warm water in your Ecco shoes squishing between your toes makes you want to jump in.  Sprinting forward you leap into the water only to land face first in the wet sand.

As you crawl back on your knees you realize each of your wrists is bound by a bloody metal chain.  While wondering where they came from, you tug on the ends to discover they are attached to huge cement pillars rooted in the sand.

Furious you begin fighting against the chains pulling at them with all your might.  Yanking on one or the other to get the pillar to move; standing between the pair trying to muscle your way forward; and even trying to push or pull the pillars closer together to get you a little closer.  But all is in vain, you're tired, bleeding, and hopeless.  To be so close to the ocean, which has been your dream since you were a child and to be denied it is more than just frustrating.  It is a crazymaker which causes you to fight relentlessly, until there is nothing left.

Falling to your knees in the surf you hope that the tide will come in further, but as you wait it drifts further and further away.  "Come back!" you cry, cupping what little is left in your hands, but watching as it drains between your fingers.  This can't be happening.  You crawl a little further where your hands and knees are just barely in the surf.  The gentle embrace of the water is enough to bring you to tears and you find yourself sobbing moments later.

Between the tears you remove your shoes and stand in the ebbing water leaning forward.  And as your tears join their great mother, you think that even being able to be close to your dream means something.  And your heart swells with pride as you watch the last of the tide ebb away from you and you are left chained and alone on the beach.

Anger rears itself again, but you are too tired to give it life.  And though you are sad, the overwhelming emotion you possess is gratitude for the opportunity to witness the grandeur of the ocean.  In your minds eye you can see the storms and the calms, the ebb and the flow, and you remember that it will be back.  And for a moment you can see the birds in the distance, the sweep of the ocean against the backdrop of the evening firesky, and the other people swimming in the water.  They look so happy and you wish with all your might you could be like them.  "Help me!" you cry, and a petite woman turns to make her way towards you.

As she approaches you notice her wrists are heavily scarred.  She smiles at you.  "Keep fighting.  It's the only way you'll have the strength to swim among us.  The tide is too strong otherwise."  And with that she turned and jumped into the water again.

Realizing your dream was still at hand, tears of gratitude continue to pelt the sand as you look around and notice all around you on the beach are others struggling towards the ocean with their pillars.  Some far away, and others even closers than you, but all fighting towards one goal one purpose.  To live life engulfed by the tides of the ocean.  And you return to your struggle, grateful that you are closer than you ever were before.

*     *     *

Photo curtesy of Honikum

An hour or two ago I was going to write a post about how hard this past week was.  About how I felt so frustrated at the fact that I accomplished nearly nothing.  And I even went on the internet to find a picture to share how I felt.  My wife found this picture and I felt the need to write about it.  Not a few minutes later, or a few days, but right NOW.

I am so profoundly grateful for the opportunity to be fighting to join the community of authors and writers.  I struggle frequently with my writing, I have frustrations, fears, and difficulties constantly with it.  But I love writing.  I love the power of the written word to express emotion and truth.  I enjoy grappling with the difficult issues of our society revealing them in different lights and thinking about what that says about us.  And sometimes when my anger and my fears gets the best of me I forget why I'm in this fight.  I am not here to get published, but read.

If I wanted to be published, I could spend the money to get the ISBN number on something I've written and share the copies with friends who I don't expect to ever read it.  But that isn't enough for me.  I write for the mastery of the language and the opportunity to share my deepest feelings with others.  I write to share what I think is an important message with others and bring solace to folks around me.  I write because I am called to it the way a prophet is called to teach, the way a good teacher is called to teach, and the way men are called to be fathers.  I am called because I chose it, and I feel that power alive in my fingertips that says it chose me.  So this week, I'm revamping my goals.  Last week was a bust, because my life felt like it came apart at the seams.  But I've learned from my many friends (some writers, others family) some of whom are writing now, I've not even begun to fight.  Here are the goals of my fight:

1. Finishing Draft Two of "Crimes of the Umbramancer" by the 30th of April.

     I needed to do this for a long time.  I only set half hearted goals before.  The scene goal wouldn't have worked during NaNoWriMo and it won't work now.  I need to instead focus on big picture.  And that means when do I want to be done with this draft.  I realize the 30th of April is well into the next round, but that was the right date for the goal.  I'll update on how much I've finished from now on in this space.

2. Comment on ten blogs in ROW80:

     Done!  I barely made it this week.  Pretty much focused on the new job and my scenes.  And the fact that my world felt like it came unhinged Thursday, Friday and Saturday.  Thanks to wonderful friends and my wife it is back on its hinges again.

3. Walking at least a mile five times a week.

     Still failing, still keeping.  This one will change eventually trust me.

4. Building a new blog for my diversity issue.

   Still working on the ideas for the diversity part of this blog.  Kristen Lamb suggested I get a list of 100 before I started... So that's not going to happen.  Much of what I see I interpret into something that can be used for the blog.  Culture is a very wide umbrella, and I don't plan on always focusing on ethnic cultures, sometimes it will be technological cultures, or sociological cultures, but always culture and how to better understand it both as readers and writers will be prevalent here.
5. Going back to my writing ritual.
   Obviously I haven't been good at my writing ritual this past week.  I am going to continue to work on it and hopefully I'll find a specific time to sit down and do most of my writing each day.  I'm better learning how to balance my time, so I think I'll be there soon.

As the month is rolling to a close feel free to leave a comment.  Cause for every person who leave a comment I'm putting your name into a hat for an opportunity to win a book by N.K. Jemisin called "The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms."  Mind you it is the first in a Trilogy and each book in the Trilogy has been nominated for a Nebula Award!  I'm super excited to give three copies of this book away and been thrilled with all the folks who've commented thus far!  If you have more to say, please comment again and get your name in the hat more than once!  On Friday's post I plan on sharing who the lucky winners are!  Whoo hoo!

Until then, my name is Jayrod Garrett and I am the First OG.  Why do you persist in the fight to write?

Yesterday you said Tomorrow.

Late.  That is exactly what I am.  I’m late for my blogging this week.  I’m late on reaching my goals seeing as I am two days behind in my writing.  I’m late in finding work to be able to support my family.  I’m late in doing what I need to take care of my career in the military.  I’m getting to sleep late and getting to my part time job late. Everything boils down to this for me this week.  I am late.

And then I saw a nike sponsored quote that gave me a little bit of hope this week: Yesterday you said Tomorrow.  Now that might sound weird, because I really haven’t been keeping up with my goals to reach my dream, but it made me feel good because I realize I haven’t put off my dreams till tomorrow.  I am working on them today.

I have met too many people who are I would refer to as broken quills.  In the grand scheme of things they are not trying to live up to their potential, they stopped chasing after what they really want in life, or it just becomes too much work to chase what they really want.  Now these people entirely could still chase after their dreams, because they still have the ability just like a broken quill can still write, but they get caught up too much in their failings and how far they have drifted away from what they should be doing to make their life what they always wanted as a young adult.

Art and our dreams sometimes equates to sacrifice.  And that sacrifice sometimes hurts or scares us.  My sacrifices of late have been full time work and sleep.  If you didn’t know I recently came back from Iraq.  This completely scared me because I couldn’t jump back into school without having a semester that I would have failed.  I know my limits and immediately before and after a deployment my grades in school are terrible.  So to go back and receive my GI Bill would have not helped me in the long run, so I chose not to return to school as of yet.  However I still work up at school in my dream job.  I work for the Nontraditional Students Center as one of their Peer Advisors which means I help students who are coming to school with families figure out the crazy animal known as college.  It is tremendously fulfilling and I enjoy working with the students a great deal.  This job came with an opportunity to run a literary journal that is run by the center.  I love managing this literary journal because I’ve learned so much about writing, and become much more courageous in the things I’m willing to write and feel.  I don’t think I would be writing the story that I’m currently working on if I didn’t work there.

But here’s where the sacrifice comes in.  I need more hours at my work.  But they can’t afford to pay me more.  I’m capped out.  So I need to seek out a second job.  So far I’ve gotten a lot of rejections, which is par for the course for Americans.  However this is only because I’ve been trying to preserve the job that I currently possess.  If I went and looked for full time work I would be able to easily get a job and my life and the schedule I’m living on would stabilize immediately.  But I can’t give up a job that is helping me to get experience in my field of writing and also in the field of working with families.  I’m going to school to get a degree in working in both fields.  So do I give in or seek after my dream?

As for my writing I’ve been working on it so much that I’ve sacrificed sleep instead of organizing my days so that I can fit writing and my religious studies in at the beginning of my day.  And now I’ve just gotten to the point that I’m burning the candle at both ends and it requires that I change something because I can’t keep up this pace.  So tonight I called a family meeting and shared with everyone my concerns and set a reasonable bedtime for myself and now I’m going to be in bed between 11PM and Midnight.  This will enable me to get up early in the morning to get my writing done before everyone in my home is awake.  Mind you this is still a sacrifice because I personally am a night owl.  I function much better at night, but I need the quiet hours in our home to be able to accomplish the work that I love.

Folks become broken quills because they aren’t willing to make sacrifices to achieve the dreams they seek after.  But sometimes you have to do something to put food on the table and keep a roof overhead.   So we as people and artists are left with decisions that can possibly break our hearts and rend us at our heartstrings.  But that tells more about the caliber of people that we hope to be.  People who sacrifice achieve their dreams, and people who settle complain for a lifetime of missed opportunities.  This isn’t to say that either one is wrong, but to say as much as not providing for my family scares me I’m not ready yet to give up my dreams to support them.  I live by faith day to day, and I believe that I am where I am in my life right now because I’ve worked hard and through the providence of God.  So to support my family I have to stretch a bit further and seek out the right job more diligently this month.  To accomplish my writing I have to get up a lot earlier.  And to achieve my dreams I have to remember: Yesterday you said Tomorrow.

ROW80 Goals for this week:

1. Finishing a single scene of “Crimes of the Umbramancer” each day.
This week I've only finished a scene and a half. I still have Saturday and Sunday to catch up though so I am annoyed, but not unable.
2. Comment on 10 different blogs in ROW80.
I haven't been to any blogs this week. That will change tomorrow morning while I'm in my writing time! Visited ten blogs Friday Morning! And a few more Thursday night! Woo!
3. Video games for only twelve hours for the week.
I only played for nine hours this week. I am gaining better control and I don't intend on playing for a couple weeks at the moment. We'll see how this develops.
4. Bedtime between 11PM and Midnight to wake up at six or seven in the morning to take advantage of the early hours to get my writing all finished each day.
This goal will begin tomorrow morning and we'll see how it goes.
5. Walking at least a mile, five days a week.
 I'm a scoutmaster and I wanted to help some of the boys who are a little less active reach for some goals. So I'm going to be doing a goal that gets me walking so I can keep him accountable cause I'm doing the same work I've asked of him.
6. Finding the perfect job within the next month.
 This will be the journey I make to finding the work that will enable me to move into the next phase of my life. It will likely require some prayer and a lot of work, but I believe that there is a reason why I'm where I'm at right now. So we'll see what happens.

Please tell me about your dreams folks. Why you dream them and what you are willing to give up to achieve them? Or even why you didn't achieve your dreams. We all have some valuable experience to share with one another and I hope this blog is a place where you might find that. Happy dream hunting all! 

The Power of Promises

     So this morning I really don't want to get up.  I don't want to go home and return to my daily grind.  I'd love to just enjoy being with my wife's family for weeks more.  But none of us can afford that, so we return to our individual abodes full of memories.

    For me though that journey has one slight problem.  I'll have no internet along the way to update my goals and the past two days I haven't been able to really write anything because I've been so busy.  Thus that leaves me with a promise.  And because I have so much free time on the train headed home I figure it is worth going out big.  So here goes.  Between here and home I am going to actually write two full chapters for my story.

    I love promises, because there can be so much power in one.  One if I fulfill my promise to myself, I'll strengthen my ability to write, my trust in myself, and fulfill my goal obligations to ROW80.  All of these are important to me because I want to do the hard work to become fulfill what I was born to be.  An author.

     I read a post I didn't have time to comment on yesterday that stated we need to see ourselves as what we want to be, rather than state that we want to be there one day.  That makes me an author now.  That means that I do the hard work to write and finish novels like a professional today, not tomorrow.  That means I can make a promise to myself and my blogaudience to do something and I can trust myself.  It is kinda a large responsibility, but the point of such things is to become who we believe we are meant to be. I believe I am meant to be an author.  So really my promise has less to do with my writing this weekend and more to do with who I desire to be.

     By the time this posts I won't have internet for this weekend, so I hope that those of you who read my blog enjoy it.  I'm going to enjoy the opportunity to keep this promise to me, and establish myself further in the author that I've defined myself as being.